


All Dogs Go to Heaven

by thebravelittlemonkey



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: As you can see I'm struggling with a category for this, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy Ending, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, intended as fluff and humor but I guess it got a little sad, no dogs were harmed in the making of this fic, or maybe I'm just the only one who finds weepy strongman Magnus a little funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 09:44:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13567959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebravelittlemonkey/pseuds/thebravelittlemonkey
Summary: “They’re good dogs, Kravitz!”--In which Kravitz and Magnus argue about dog souls and Taako gets in way over his head as the unwilling therapist of it all.





	All Dogs Go to Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of two pieces of dialogue I had in a TAZ dream. Ended up being a little longer than intended, but Magnus has a lot of feelings about dogs.

* * *

“C-code Sauté, Code Sauté!”

Taako wished he could say this was the weirdest way he had been woken up, but he hardly thought it would make the Top Ten list. Kravitz, on the other hand, looked at the vibrating stone of Farspeech like this was his number one. Or at least in the running, Taako thought.

“Code...Sauté?” The question was hesitant, and Kravitz knew this would either be solved with a one-word answer or a three-week search and rescue mission to the Underdark for a Jar of Bees. He still didn’t understand how he got roped into that one, but he vaguely remembered it starting with such an innocuous question.

“Mhm,” Taako hummed into his chest, seemingly unperturbed by Magnus’ anxious tone punching into the quiet of their private quarters.

“So…” Kravitz dragged out the syllable in debate before it settled on something responsible. “...what does it mean?”

“Tres Horny emergency,” the elf clarified, not bothering to open his eyes.

“I’m sorry...a horny emergency?”

“Did you change into that delicious new suit I got for you?” he purred.

“Um, no?”

“Then no,” Taako assured, “We’re all clear on horny emergencies for tonight, hot stuff.” The reaper gave a bemused huff of a laugh and a shake of his head, pulling a slight smile to his boyfriend’s lips.

“I’ll wear it tomorrow then,” he promised. “But tonight it uh...seems like we should deal with this other emergency? Whatever it is?”

“Let Merle take this one,” Taako groaned, turning over to bury his head in a pillow. “Taako’s good right here.”

“I thought you said Merle always has his stone of Farspeech on silent?”

“Did I? Noooo, that can’t be right,” he replied in the sing-song lilt of a lie.

“You were just complaining about it this morning, love,” Kravitz reminded gently. With Taako no longer draped over him, he moved to a sitting position. It was clear they would both be getting up at this point, even if his other half was in denial about this particular point. It was his ears that always gave him away, and right now, one long elven ear was turned in careful attention to the black stone on their bedside table. The stone, however, remained silent after the distress call.

“He’ll be fine; Mango’s a big boy.”

“He sounded rather upset.”

“...five more minutes.”

“Taako...”

“It’s called beauty sleep, stud, and you’re the main benefactor.”

“Taako...elves don’t even sleep.”

“No wonder I’m so exhausted then!”

“That’s not-” Kravitz gave up with a sigh. “Alright: teleport or scythe?”

“Scythicle, no question.”

“Please stop calling it that.”

“Not a chance.”

 

\---

 

“I swear to God Burnsides, you better be taking a dirt nap with Istus for all this hoopla,” Taako announced as he stepped through the planar tear that had appeared inside the simple wooden cottage Magnus called home.

“Taako, I would tell you if he was _dead_ , you know that right?” Kravitz noted, chestnut eyes heavy with genuine concern. What a dork.

“Fine. Maimed then. There better be some serious maiming.” Taako was completely unaffected by the look his boyfriend leveled him with. “I’m talking at _least_ a whole limb here.”

To the wizard’s disappointment, the only maimed limbs in the cottage were the familiar heap of robot arms peeking out from a bag of holding Magnus kept in the corner of his room, re-stocked and ready for...well ready for whatever a bag of arms was intended. Magnus, however, was nowhere to be found.

“This is, no doubt, the lamest prank you’ve ever pulled,” Taako determined, his cadence measured out with suitably offended pauses as he searched the cozy home. “Kick me sign for Agnes? Amateur, but classic. And you gotta keep it classic sometimes, I get it. I respect it...”

The complaints continued out the front door as the pair headed down a dirt path. “...And when you stole his nose? Oh ho ho was that a doozy. Now I did ninety percent of the leg work there but I’ll throw you some cred…”

At the end of the path was a far larger building only a short walk away. Above the door hung a hand-crafted wooden sign that read, Hammer and Tails: A Dog’s School.

“...But this? _This_ is the best you could roll out for me? A little ding-dong-ditcharoo? Honestly, I’m insulted.”

Kravitz paid no mind to the exaggerated rant. After all, Taako’s words did nothing to hide the way his ears stood up straight, bristling with anxious concern. Or the way the door flung open before they reached it, sparking with magical energy from the wand Taako had been clinging to since they had arrived.

A familiar cacophony of barking greeted them when they walked inside. Taako was barely fazed by now, throwing a quick Prestidigitation spell over Kravitz and himself to give them the pleasant but overpowering scent of citrus. Not exactly his first choice of cologne, but it had the desired effect of keeping Scottish Deerhound slobber off the merchandise.

“Oh! Taako it’s– hey!” It took a moment for Taako to find the source of the greeting, but between the weaving pack of pups he was finally able to make out a Magnus-shaped lump. His large form appeared much smaller in his childlike position on the floor, legs crossed with a sleeping hound’s head in his lap and Johann sitting at the ready beside him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t–I didn’t mean to call you out here in the middle of the night like this,” he apologized.

“You literally called me out here in the middle of the night,” Taako retorted, parting a sea of dogs to make his way over to his old adventuring companion.

“I...yea I guess I did do that,” he admitted with a sheepish half-smile. As Taako approached, he could see that the fighter was trying and failing to hide the quiver in his lip. Oh no.

“Code Sauté is a sacred vow so this better be a real fucking doozy,” he chastised, internally panicking over the possibility that this could in fact be a real fucking doozy.

“I’m...I’m really glad you’re here, Taako,” Magnus admitted with a heavy sigh. _Oh no_. And all at once, the tears he had been holding back spilled over as the reckless fighter dissolved into a blubbering mess.

Shit.

“Oh let’s not– let’s not get carried away here, Mags…”

“N-no really. It means so much t-to me that you came and–”

“No need for the waterworks–” Taako assured, trying to cut-off the increasingly loud crying.

“...you’re such a– such a g-good friend–” Magnus became less and less comprehensible as he continued to lose his composure for reasons that remained an utter mystery to Taako.

“...let’s just back this sad train up–”

“...and g-good friends are the most– the most important th-thing–”

“How is it still getting worse!” Taako exclaimed, watching as Magnus gave up on words altogether, gross sobs filling the room instead. “A little help here Kra–”

Looking to his left, Taako was stopped short by the sight of a Kravitz-shaped vacancy beside him. Oh not again...

“How’s it uh...how’s it going in there?” the reaper called over with an unhelpful little wave. He was still standing outside the doorway to the school like a vampire who hadn’t been invited inside.

“For the last time, dummy, they’re not going to bother you when your legs aren’t literal chew toys,” Taako explained, smoothing out a wrinkle of frustration on his forehead. “Now get your not-boney tush over here and help me with this.”

After some reluctance, Kravitz finally made his way over to the pair, cringing at a particularly loud and drawn out sniff from Magnus. “So...what seems to be the problem then?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Taako replied with a shrug, and Kravitz fell silent. Realizing that this was not a problem his boyfriend could tear an extra-planar rift through, the elf was forced to take on the most difficult mission of their long and perilous journey: providing emotional support.

But if he was going to play the part of therapist, he was damn well going to do it with style.

With a snap of his fingers, a silky soft handkerchief was conjured from the air as a wave of his wand sent a tiny fireball into the fireplace, lighting up the room in a warm glow. Placing one hand on Magnus’ shoulder, Taako crouched down beside him and offered the handkerchief.

“You’ve really gotta keep those cool guy shades on hand or else everyone’s going to find out Magnus ‘Rushes-In’ Burnsides is a total sap,” he chided, “Gonna ruin the brand.”

A sound which managed to be more of a laugh than a sob escaped Magnus as a watery smile spread across his features. Blowing his nose and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, the man did his best to pull himself together.

“Yea,” he admitted, trying out his shaky voice again. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get all...you know...”

“Leaky pipes and onion-cutting? Yea, I figured.” Seeing that Magnus had calmed down enough to form a half-decent sentence, Taako pressed on carefully with his unique blend of casual sincerity. “Now seriously, my man, what’s shaking?”

“It’s…” he gave a heavy sigh before pushing on. “It’s Sheila.”

“Sheila…Sheila who I know...and is your giiiiiiirll--” He drew out the word, searching Magnus’ expression for a confirmation. “--llfriend? Girl friend...with a space. A friend who is a girl.”

“No no, it’s nothing like that. Well I mean she _is_ my friend but– “

“Oh I get it. Just a friend right _now_ ,” Taako winked.

“Exactly. Wait no–”

“Ol’ Magnus is getting back out there. Humble but ready to tumble–”

“No! No no it’s not that. _Definitely_ not that,” Magnus insisted, cutting Taako off with a wild sweeping motion of his hand. “Sheila is a dog.”

“Oh.” Taako was a little disappointed not to play matchmaker, but his tone changed entirely when he followed Magnus’ eyes to the dog in his lap. “ _Oh_.”

It was suddenly very apparent just how old this dog was, her once dark brown fur was thinning and mottled with light patches. Even asleep he could hear the sound of her breathing, a fine wheezing that came out short and raspy.

“Her owners brought her in this afternoon...well I guess yesterday afternoon…” he explained, the exhaustion apparent in his voice, “Said she hadn’t been eating for the last three days, wasn’t going out for walks anymore, and just...well they thought maybe I could help. I mean I raised her and trained her so...so I said yes. I figured I’d have her right as rain by the morning.”

“Magnus…” Taako started softy, looking at his pitable expression, full of crushed optimism, but fragile hope. “You’re not some kind of dog cleric...”

“But I’m proficient in animal handling!” The defensive shout startled Sheila awake who looked up at Magnus with concern. “Hey, hey sorry girl. It’s okay, shh shh shh, I’m sorry. Everything’s just fine, buddy.”

Taako looked up at Kravitz skeptically. The reaper turned to the hound with a frown, then back to Taako, giving a subtle shake of his head.

“Look Magnus, uhm...you might not want to hear this, bud, but we’ve got to be realistic here. You can’t exactly animal-handle your way around this one,” Taako pointed out as gently as he could.

“That’s why I called you! You’ve got a spell for everything right? You can just use your magic.” The desperate naivety in his tone was honestly unfair, and Taako felt personally attacked by Magnus’ big, red-rimmed eyes. Why couldn’t Merle keep his damn stone of Farspeech on.

“Hate to break it to you, my dude, but healing isn’t exactly in the wizard wheelhouse,” Taako explained, knowing that this was the easier of the two truth bombs he needed to drop. “But...even if we called our cleric–or better yet, called a real cleric– well...that’s kind of bailing water out of a sinking ship, right?”

Magnus didn’t reply, letting his gaze fall to Sheila instead as he continued to offer soothing pets.

“I mean...you kind of knew this was coming at _some_ point, right? Like humans don’t live that long, but you for sure live longer than a pooch.” As Magnus continued petting his dog in sullen silence, Taako became increasingly aware of just how many dogs were in the room. They needed to solve this problem _now_ or find Magnus a new occupation.

“Yea...yea I know,” Magnus finally replied, tone thick with somber acceptance. Tears threatened to well back up, but he managed to keep them at bay, instead focusing his emotional energy into a fond smile for Sheila. “You did a real good job buddy, you were always so strong and brave. And you protected everyone just like I taught you.”

“I’m sure she lived a uh...very good life,” Kravitz offered awkwardly, only to immediately regret making his presence known again. Because now Magnus was looking at him with dawning realization.

“Kravtiz–”

“Oh no. No, Magnus I can’t–” The Raven Queen would kill him if he tried to make any more exceptions for at _least_ the next century.

“No that’s not what I was going to ask. I just wanted to know...do all dogs go to heaven?”

There was a pregnant pause following Magnus’ question in which three pairs of eyes all turned to him. Magnus’ were innocent and imploring, like a child asking if St. Nick was coming to visit him on Candlenights. Taako’s were demanding and urgent as he mouthed the word ‘YES’ repeatedly over the fighter’s shoulder. And Johann’s were the worst of all: curious and alert. Kravitz weighed his options carefully before opening his mouth.

“Yeee– ” he started, looking to Taako who was nodding vigorously, then to Magnus. “– eeeaaa, I don’t want to lie to you here or anything, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”

A sharp smack sounded as Taako brought a hand to his forehead.

“What...what do you _mean_ it’s complicated?” Magnus questioned, mouth agape in horror.

“See the astral plane and animals don’t exactly go together in the same way as–”

“Are you saying all dogs _don’t_ go to heaven?!” Magnus cried, tears already spilling back over as his short sniffles grew louder and louder.

“Well the astral plane isn’t precisely heaven so, really it’s–”

“But they didn’t do anything wrong!”

“–just a place for souls you see–”

“They just love you and protect you and–”

“–so when you start to talk about _other_ types of souls it’s all–”

“–and they’re smart and strong and loyal and–”

“–a little bit complicated. So I didn’t mean to suggest–”

“They’re good dogs, Kravitz!” Magnus bellowed, offended and devastated all in one. Taako decided it was best to intervene now before Kravitz could digger himself a deeper grave.

“Hey Magnus look,” he interrupted with excitement, pointing behind him. “A puppy!”

It wasn’t his best distraction, but hey, statistically speaking in this place it wasn’t a lie either. Standing up he slung an arm around Kravitz’s shoulder and pulled him to the side for a quick chat.

“Darling.”

“Yes?”

“Sweetheart.”

“Yes…?”

“Snookums.”

“Look, I can’t just _lie_ to him,” he defended, looking over his shoulder at the big child behind them. As it turned out, Taako’s distraction had backfired, and now the man was bawling even harder. It was difficult to make out his words, but Kravitz was sure he caught something along the lines of ‘I remember when _she_ was a puppy’ thrown in there.

“You literally reap people’s souls for a living. You’re telling me you’ve never added a little uh, flavor to sweeten up _that_ appetizing sales pitch?”

“No. Never. Look, Taako when you’re talking about someone’s eternal soul you don’t want to mislead them.” Magnus chose this moment to give a particularly pathetic sniffle and it was Taako’s turn to level Kravitz with a look.

“Babe, I’m going to need you to do a bit of misleading.” Before Kravitz could even attempt to reason with him, the elf was back beside Magnus, freshly conjured handkerchief at the ready.

“Now what’d I say about the sad train? Back that bad boy up. See Kravitz here,” he began, waving the reaper over with a sharp and non-negotiable gesture, “He didn’t mean what you think he meant. Because what he really meant to say was…”

Once again, three pairs of eyes looked expectantly at Kravitz. This time Magnus’ were heartbroken and betrayed, while Taako’s were trying to impart some sort of Morse Code alongside his eyebrows. Johann, for his part, remained unchanged.

“Right. Yes. What I meant to say...of course...was that dogs...do...have...souls…” he began, running out of space between his words to make up his next sentence. “Aaaaand...souls...do go to the astral plane.”

Aha! That was all truth, Kravitz thought. Sure, there was a concurrence fallacy in there somewhere, but no outright lies. It seemed to do the trick as well, and the hopeful cheer returned to Magnus’ eyes. He gave a sigh of relief, glad to be out of the spotlight until...

“So all dogs _do_ go to heaven,” Magnus repeated, “That’s what you’re saying?”

Crap.

“Well they are good dogs, Magnus,” Taako interrupting, swooping in to save Kravitz from another disastrous exchange. “Don’t you agree, Krav?”

“...Yes,” Kravitz agreed, finding each word like he was finding the next wire to cut in a bomb. “They uh...they are very good dogs. Absolutely.”

And with that, the somber mood of the room lifted entirely. Magnus gushed over just _how_ good his very good dogs were while Taako nodded along dutifully. Kravitz was sent on an errand, returning with a disgruntled and groggy dwarven cleric. Sinking ship or not, Sheila would be leaving Hammer and Tails as fighting fit as she’d ever be. As Taako, Merle, and Magnus discussed the possibilities for expanding Taako’s Timeless Tea: Miracle Life Extender ™ to include a line for dogs, Kravitz excused himself. Just a work thing, he assured.   

So the three were left to chat through the night, reminiscing about old memories and sharing new ones amidst the company of Sheila, Johann, and Magnus’ many good dogs.

 

\-----

 

Five black feathers were laid out in a circle as Kravitz knelt in front of them with the determination of a man who clearly hadn’t thought through what he was about to ask. The Raven Queen didn’t respond at first, but Kravitz could have sworn he heard a sigh. Surely that was just the wind.

“What troubles you, my loyal warden of souls,” she asked, velvet tones befitting of the goddess she was.

“Nothing...terribly troubling. Just a question that I thought you, my queen, would be best suited to answer,” he replied.

“If this is another exception…”

“Oh no no no, nothing like that. This is more of a...policy question.” This time, he definitely heard a sigh.

“Yes, my loyal warden, what is your question?”

“So...about dogs…”

**Author's Note:**

> They're good dogs Brent!
> 
> Someone who can actually write Kravitz (I truly struggled) please write me a flashback of his traumatic first visit to Hammer and Tails. You know...before he knew to turn off his skeletal form. I need this now in my life. Thanks friends.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Kravitz Learns He's a Cat Person](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589511) by [MercuryHomophony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony)




End file.
